Third Week: Finding the Raw Spots
At a wedding, when a married couple promises ‘… to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish until death do us part” it is a consent to giving your life away to another. The Glory of God can only be revealed when you give yourself away.
“For Catholics, this is why the act of consent is so important. It is not just an expression of feelings at a particular moment and a promise to give this marriage a good try. Rather in the Catholic Rite of Marriage, consent is a new consecration to Christ. Divine love now circulates between the baptized spouses until the separation of death. Marriage is indissoluble for Catholics not because the Church disagrees with divorce but because the bond of love that unites husband and wife together is Christ’s love for the Church.” (O'Malley, Timothy P., Off the Hook: God, Love, Dating, and Marriage in a Hookup World . Ave Maria Press. Kindle Edition.)
Nobody really understands everything to which they consent on their wedding day. You have to count on your spouse and God to be there to see you through. You, your spouse and God all have to show up for work each day. Still, there is the feeling of vulnerability. Like in golf, tennis and everything else, getting tense doesn't help. You gotta stay loose!
Exercise:
“When you are balanced on your feet, tuned into yourself, then you can listen to me and move with me. Then we can move together.” (Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson)
Being vulnerable with your partner opens us to experience great joy as well as deep hurt. We all carry wounds with us and have (unintentionally or intentionally) inflicted them upon others in one way or another. Some of these wounds reach very deep into our core. These are called “raw spots” according to Dr. Johnson and are “tender to the touch, easily rubbed, and deeply painful” (p.98). We develop these “raw spots” from being consistently passed over, neglected, and unacknowledged within past or present relationships. When these deep wounds are triggered, it can easily send us into the “Demon Dialogues” as a means to protect one’s self.
Dr. Johnson encourages us to identify and learn to mitigate any and all “Demon Dialogues” at play, in order to move past agitated feelings or hurtful arguments. Then, we must acknowledge personal “raw spots” and learn to soothe them as well as help our partner do the same.
Plan of Action:
The Sign of the Cross: In the name of the Father, and the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.
“Husband and wife are called to sanctify their married life and to sanctify themselves in it. It would be a serious mistake if they were to exclude family life from their spiritual development. The marriage union, the care and education of children, the effort to provide for the needs of the family as well as for its security and development, the relationships with other persons who make up the community, all these are among the ordinary human situations that Christian couples are called upon to sanctify. “They will achieve this aim by exercising the virtues of faith and hope, facing serenely all the great and small problems which confront any family and persevering in the love and enthusiasm with which they fulfill their duties. In this way they practice the virtue of charity in all things. They learn to smile and forget about themselves in order to pay attention to others. Husband and wife will listen to each other and to their children, showing them that they are really loved and understood. They will forget about the unimportant little frictions that selfishness could magnify out of proportion. They will do lovingly all the small acts of service that make up their daily life together.” - St. Jose Maria Escriva
For the Married (together if possible):
Lord Jesus Christ, You provide us with many opportunities in married life to grow in holiness by growing in charity. Grant that we might never overlook these occasions for growth, especially when they challenge us. May we never tire in our daily struggle to accept all things, the great and small trials as well as the greater and lesser joys, as ways in which we might praise You and deepen our share in Your Cross and Resurrection. Amen.
For the Engaged and those seriously considering this commitment of married love (together if possible):
Lord Jesus Christ, we are preparing to enter into married life, where times of joy are often mingled with moments of sorrow and difficulty. Grant that we may see all of these occasions as opportunities to grow in holiness and fidelity. By striving now to accept all things for love of You, may we strive ever more zealously to pursue holiness when we are united together in You. Amen.
All close by praying:
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, we give our hearts to you.
(Now offer one Hail Mary together, inviting Our Blessed Lady to pray for you)
The Sign of the Cross: In the name of the Father, and the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.
“For Catholics, this is why the act of consent is so important. It is not just an expression of feelings at a particular moment and a promise to give this marriage a good try. Rather in the Catholic Rite of Marriage, consent is a new consecration to Christ. Divine love now circulates between the baptized spouses until the separation of death. Marriage is indissoluble for Catholics not because the Church disagrees with divorce but because the bond of love that unites husband and wife together is Christ’s love for the Church.” (O'Malley, Timothy P., Off the Hook: God, Love, Dating, and Marriage in a Hookup World . Ave Maria Press. Kindle Edition.)
Nobody really understands everything to which they consent on their wedding day. You have to count on your spouse and God to be there to see you through. You, your spouse and God all have to show up for work each day. Still, there is the feeling of vulnerability. Like in golf, tennis and everything else, getting tense doesn't help. You gotta stay loose!
Exercise:
“When you are balanced on your feet, tuned into yourself, then you can listen to me and move with me. Then we can move together.” (Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson)
Being vulnerable with your partner opens us to experience great joy as well as deep hurt. We all carry wounds with us and have (unintentionally or intentionally) inflicted them upon others in one way or another. Some of these wounds reach very deep into our core. These are called “raw spots” according to Dr. Johnson and are “tender to the touch, easily rubbed, and deeply painful” (p.98). We develop these “raw spots” from being consistently passed over, neglected, and unacknowledged within past or present relationships. When these deep wounds are triggered, it can easily send us into the “Demon Dialogues” as a means to protect one’s self.
Dr. Johnson encourages us to identify and learn to mitigate any and all “Demon Dialogues” at play, in order to move past agitated feelings or hurtful arguments. Then, we must acknowledge personal “raw spots” and learn to soothe them as well as help our partner do the same.
Plan of Action:
- Start by identifying your own “Raw Spots” and share your vulnerability with your partner slowly; you don’t have to go all in right from the beginning. Request that your partner does the same and acknowledge the vulnerabilities they are sharing with you
- Starting to express and talk about your deepest desires and emotions is a major step in the right direction; you will breathe a sigh of relief
The Sign of the Cross: In the name of the Father, and the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.
“Husband and wife are called to sanctify their married life and to sanctify themselves in it. It would be a serious mistake if they were to exclude family life from their spiritual development. The marriage union, the care and education of children, the effort to provide for the needs of the family as well as for its security and development, the relationships with other persons who make up the community, all these are among the ordinary human situations that Christian couples are called upon to sanctify. “They will achieve this aim by exercising the virtues of faith and hope, facing serenely all the great and small problems which confront any family and persevering in the love and enthusiasm with which they fulfill their duties. In this way they practice the virtue of charity in all things. They learn to smile and forget about themselves in order to pay attention to others. Husband and wife will listen to each other and to their children, showing them that they are really loved and understood. They will forget about the unimportant little frictions that selfishness could magnify out of proportion. They will do lovingly all the small acts of service that make up their daily life together.” - St. Jose Maria Escriva
For the Married (together if possible):
Lord Jesus Christ, You provide us with many opportunities in married life to grow in holiness by growing in charity. Grant that we might never overlook these occasions for growth, especially when they challenge us. May we never tire in our daily struggle to accept all things, the great and small trials as well as the greater and lesser joys, as ways in which we might praise You and deepen our share in Your Cross and Resurrection. Amen.
For the Engaged and those seriously considering this commitment of married love (together if possible):
Lord Jesus Christ, we are preparing to enter into married life, where times of joy are often mingled with moments of sorrow and difficulty. Grant that we may see all of these occasions as opportunities to grow in holiness and fidelity. By striving now to accept all things for love of You, may we strive ever more zealously to pursue holiness when we are united together in You. Amen.
All close by praying:
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, we give our hearts to you.
(Now offer one Hail Mary together, inviting Our Blessed Lady to pray for you)
The Sign of the Cross: In the name of the Father, and the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.