It is a story that seems to repeat all too often: a child is raised in the practice of the faith, goes to church every week with their parents, even prays at meal and bedtimes. Then, soon after starting college, they have stopped going to church or worse yet, announce to their parents that they no longer believe. What happened? More importantly for our children who may be in college or are just starting: what can we do to help prevent it?
In a way, it is quite ironic that the seeming break of academics and religion has occurred. The idea of higher education was developed in the later Roman Empire and early Middle Ages by the Catholic Church and various religious communities as "
cathedral schools", specifically to offer classical education, one in which religion and philosophy figured prominently and meant to be integrated with subjects such as literature, language and mathematics. However, starting slowly at first during the period of the Enlightenment and the rise of the secular university, the philosophy of higher education began to stress secular academic pursuit over religious formation. Over the years, this division continued, eventually stressing the understanding that faith and knowledge were incompatible. While - thankfully - there are some who maintain a sensitive balance, professors have increasingly used the
Scientific Method in ways injurious to the faith of their students (which would have shocked men such as Albert Magnus, Theodoric of Freiberg and William of Ockham: three of its developers during the Middle Ages who were also prominent
Church leaders).
Regrettably, even colleges claiming the Catholic identity are some of the most egregious offenders, as evidenced by the 1967
Land O Lakes Conference and Statement declaring independence from all authority outside of the institution itself, including the Catholic Church; and
their rejection of Pope John Paul II's Apostolic Constitution on Catholic universities,
Ex Corde Ecclesiae in 1990.
What can be done to help our children resist this danger to their faith? Here are ten ways you can help both in their preparation and when you send them to college:
- Don’t assume a Catholic college is really Catholic. Many Catholic colleges fail to uphold Catholic values and beliefs. As was mentioned Pope John Paul II’s 1990 Ex Corde Ecclesiae, was not implemented by all Catholic colleges; today, many Catholic colleges follow it very loosely or in name only. To get a true view of the belief system of a school, check out The Cardinal Newman Society.
- Don’t assume that in choosing a non-Catholic college all is lost. While it is true that special challenges await at these institutions, challenges also will happen in the workforce, in married life, and in all aspects of adulthood. Although you may have less influence over your college-aged child, but he or she still needs you. Don’t give up now. Be a faith-filled example.
- Talk about relationships. Be clear on your message of one man-one woman marriage for life. Follow the advice given by the Catholic Newman Center, “don’t kiss anyone you’re not dating and don’t date anyone you couldn’t marry.” Every man is likely to be someone’s future husband; every woman is likely to be someone’s future wife. Consider how you touch, look at, and even think about that future spouse.
- Ask about friends. Show me who your friends are, and I’ll show you your future. The old adage holds true throughout life, and friendships made in college generally last longer than previous, non-family friendships and lead to employment opportunities and other benefits. Help your child expand horizons (We are called to teach the Gospel – through words if necessary – to all, not just believers), but to have a core group of faith-filled friends to keep him rooted. Encourage him to find a mentor in faith. Help him come up with answers. Don’t lecture.
- Give gifts. Students, especially new students, often want to blend in a bit until they find their place. A pocket Bible can be carried or read without making a spectacle. Rosary beads in the student’s school colors may be more likely to be displayed and serve as a reminder of faith. A prayer card can help a student transitioning from home to dorm or a student studying through stressful finals. The card can also fit into a wallet or the back of a student ID lanyard. For simple, easy-to-read books students may be more likely to read, check out How to Stay Catholic in College by Christopher Kaczor and Absolute Relativism: The New Dictatorship and What To Do About It by Chris Stafanick.
- Encourage your child to plan and prioritize. Going to college without a plan is a sure sign of trouble ahead. Teach your child to write down what is most important and to schedule time. Temptations to avoid faith often come in the form of sloth. Just being too lazy to go to church when no one else is or getting sidetracked by video games, the internet, and parties slowly pull children away from meaningful interactions and activities.
- Bring them to church and encourage them to stay connected to the sacraments. Attend Mass at the nearby church before dropping them off; if possible. Introduce yourselves to the priest. Ask for a blessing if possible. Even going to Mass once with family can foster a feeling of belonging.The challenge of going to Mass Sunday morning is made more difficult when your child’s peers have been out late, friends are sleeping in, and it’s below freezing outside, but let him or her know that you expect them to do it. Encourage them to connect by arriving a few minutes early, and helping out or just sitting and reflecting on the week behind and the week ahead. Encourage going to Confession and show your seriousness to this by example. Remind your child that confessing regularly chases away shame and sin and brings humility and grace. No sin is greater than Jesus’s sacrifice.
- Be a role model. Simply telling your child these things is not enough. They will likely be hearing many tales of hypocritical Christians from professors, counselors and peers. Give them reasons to believe otherwise.
- Listen and Love. In this time of challenge and uncertainty, of questioning and opposition, listen attentively. Resist the urge to fix things, give advice, and correct mistakes. He is feeling judged by professors, peers, and more. When speaking with you, there are times he should feel challenged, but he should always feel safe. He should always feel loved and respected.
- Pray unceasingly. Whatever happens, whether your child is the model Catholic or a lost sheep, they will face challenges and obstacles and need your prayer. Never stop praying for your child, especially during their college years when so much of their foundations are shaken.
These suggestions were drawn from the excellent article "Help Your Child Maintain Catholic Faith in College" by Strahlen Smith in the publication Catholic Stand.
There may be a ray of hope even in the cases in which, despite all of a parent's precautions and efforts, a child seems to lose their faith. In
a 2007 report issued by the
Social Science Research Council, an independent nonprofit organization for research in the social sciences and related disciplines, one conclusion that the authors reached indicated that in fact "most college students didn’t lose their religion, but many reported a drop in outward displays of religiosity. The religious belief systems of most students go largely untouched for the duration of their education. Religious faith lies dormant in students’ lives, waiting to be awakened at some point after college, but it is rarely seen as something that could either influence or be influenced by the educational process.” While not a great selling point for higher education in the formation of the person as a whole, it can become one that provides the means towards re-awakening the faith or in helping someone who has seemingly buried their faith rediscover it during the trials of adulthood.
Need a good resource to help in bringing a child or friend back? You can still get Dr. Scott Hahn's informative podcast, How to Bring Fallen Away Catholics Back to the Faith! To download your free copy click on this link: http://www.lighthousecatholicmedia.org/dl/12944fa
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